Ivan is a Sore Loser
by Pineapplecat
Summary: Ivan is not happy with the fact that he wasn't the first nation to top Alfred...not happy at all. So, he decides, with the help of Matthew, to interrogate him until the truth is revealed... Has turned into a series of oneshots Russia x America x Canada
1. Ivan is a Sore Loser

Author's note: Okay, this is just a one shot but… I really wanted to do it! Just a little bit a humor with my OT3 (I just learned that term, isn't it great?) I really want to do a sequel with these guys exploring their relationship more…but I'm tied up with my other fic right now and haven't thought of any ideas for a multichapter fic regarding them yet. I hope this oneshot is good for now though…there may be more of them to come C:

Note: The events in this fic take place after my fic _Two for the Price of One_, reading at least the last chapter of that will help with the understanding of this, but it may make sense on its own…

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Huzzah!

* * *

"Milashka, have you slept with Toris?" Ivan asked calmly. America almost spewed the milk he was drinking across the table. _Nice breakfast talk, Ivan._

"Uh…not recently?" Alfred answered after sputtering a bit.

"Oh I know that…I was just wondering…"

Alfred gave him a strange look before trying to take a pancake off the plate in the middle of the table. "Alfie! Wait until I'm finished…" Matthew chastised from within the kitchen.

"How did you—" Alfred wondered, before turning back to Ivan. "Never mind… Yeah, Toris and I slept together once or twice when he lived with me… You're not mad are you?" he asked Ivan sheepishly. After all, Toris _was_ Ivan's ex at the time…

"Nyet. Did he top you?"

Alfred really should have given up drinking milk during this conversation.

"What?" he exclaimed. "No!"

"Good. I was pretty sure it was not him…" Ivan said with an eerie smile. "I would not have been pleased to know that he beat me…"

"What's that's supposed to mean?" Alfred asked.

"Of course Lithuania wouldn't have it in him to top someone…especially you…"

"What are you talking about…?"

"I want to know who beat me to it!" Ivan explained, looking kind of miffed.

"To what? You can't have possibly assumed I was a virgin before we—"

"Nyet, not that… Let me explain, Milashka…" Because God knows he wouldn't figure it out on his own… "I am convinced that there is a very exclusive list of those who have topped you…"

"Really, Ivan? You're concerned about that…?" Alfred chuckled nervously.

"There's me…" Ivan continued, ignoring his lover.

"And me!" Matthew added, bringing the rest of the pancakes to the table. Alfred, despite the uncomfortable conversation, started to grab as many pancakes as he could. "Alfred! Bad boy! Slow down!" Matthew growled, swatting at his brother's hands.

"…and then there's the mystery partner…or partners…" Ivan concluded, a dangerous look on his face. "_They_ beat me to what is rightfully mine…"

The last statement either flew over Alfred's head, or he wasn't freaked out by it. "Jeez, what gives? Why do you care who was the first person to top me?" Alfred sighed. "Also, it's partner…as in singular…"

"I was actually wondering who did it too…" Matthew said quietly.

"What! Why?" Alfred gasped, his face turning red. His brother just shrugged in response.

"Honestly, I didn't think you would let anyone…" Matthew responded. "So…who was it?"

"I really don't think it matters…"

"Come on Alfie! Relationships are based on honesty, remember?" Matt said, trying to convince him.

"I don't know…"

"Da, let's play a game then…" Ivan suggested. "If Matvey or I can guess your mystery partner, you will tell us if we guess right, da?"

"Sure, seems fair…I guess…"

"Alright…" Matthew said, putting a finger to his mouth as he spoke. "Was it…Japan? You've slept with Japan right?"

"No!" Alfred laughed. "Well I mean…he hasn't topped me…but we've _totally_ slept together…yeah…"

"Oh really, Milashka…" Ivan chuckled. "Is he as kinky as they say he is…?"

"…yes…"

"Matvey, remind me later to visit Japan… I have the sudden urge to speak with him…"

"Oh God no!" Alfred complained.

"What about Spain?" Matthew asked.

"What!" Alfred almost choked again, although nothing was actually in his mouth. "No…no…no…why would you think I got it on with Spain? Does it look like I want Romano to kill me?"

"I mean, he _did_ settle Florida first…"

"Seriously…? No, I haven't even had sex with Spain, let alone been topped by him…"

"Okay…Mexico?" Matthew was kind of doing all the guessing here.

"Mattie…she's a girl…"

"Yeah…but she could've…"

"Yeah, but she didn't."

"Enough!" Ivan said loudly. "Give us a time period, Alfred!"

"What! No, that's cheating!" Alfred pouted.

"Come on, Alfie! It's too hard!" Matthew whined, attempting to look at his brother with puppy-dog-eyes.

"Fine," Alfred huffed, annoyed. "It was during the Revolutionary War…"

"Nyet! Please say it wasn't England!" Russia gasped angrily.

"…or France…" Matthew whimpered.

"Oh no! Oh fuck no! No! Gross! NO!" Alfred yelped. "NO! NO! NO! Ew…ew…ew… really? REALLY? France wasn't even around; he just sent troops…something about being too busy…and England…ENGLAND?" Alfred shuddered, looking pale. "I still called him Dad then…" he moaned pitifully.

"Who could it be then?" Matthew whined. "Did you lie to us, Alfie?"

"No, you've guessed wrong every time…" Matthew looked unconvinced, but Ivan appeared ready to murder someone, realization shining in his eyes.

"Tell me Milashka…was your time with this man…your first…ever…?" Ivan asked dangerously.

"I kind of have the feeling I shouldn't tell you this but…maybe…" Alfred said, blushing. "Don't be upset…he taught me a lot of stuff…trained me well you know? Taught me to be…"

Oh Alfred, please don't say it…

"Awesome…" At this, Ivan stood up, a black aura fanning out from his body.

"Eto prusskoĭ ublyudok!" he yelled, stomping up the stairs.

"Alfie!" Matthew whined. "Now we won't get any after breakfast sexy time! Why'd you have to make him mad?"

"Me?" Alfred yelped. "You two wanted to know! Jeez, I knew nothing good would come from this!" Just then, Ivan walked down the stairs with his pipe in his hands.

"Do not worry. I will be back in time for our sexy fun time…" he said, a dangerous look on his face. "I must pay a visit to Germany's basement… Be prepared by the time I get back…"

The North American brothers sat there for a moment after the door slammed shut, staring at each other.

"I'm uh…I'm going to call Germany and uh, tell him to hide Prussia…" Matthew mumbled, getting up to go the kitchen.

"Yeah…you…do that…" Alfred said.

* * *

And there we go! One shots are fun to write man! Anyway, I hope everyone liked it! If I think of more one shots with these three, I might add onto this... I love overprotective!Russia so much… Also, historical note: the Baron von Steuben was a Prussian man who trained American troops at Valley Forge…so in my mind…Prussia taught America how to fight…among other things ;)

Eto prusskoĭ ublyudok! = That Prussian bastard!

Thanks to Kenny's Space Cadet for betaing!

Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	2. Valentine's Surprise

Author's note: Oh dear… I have written another one… I guess it's official that this fic is going to be my oneshot playground with these three. This is just a little short Valentine's fic that I came up with based on some dialogue between Kenny's Space Cadet and I that resulted in some pictures being drawn that resulted in this baby being written. Just a little ficlet, sorry that it's so short…but there's a pretty high chance of a follow up.

* * *

Matthew sighed as he walked in through the door, shutting it half-heartedly with his hip. Man, shopping sure wore him out…and it took him so long to get the right things he needed…

"Ivan better like his Valentine's day surprise…" he grumbled as he walked into the living room. Alfred was sitting on the couch, playing some videogame Matthew didn't recognize.

"Oh, Mattie! You're here!" his brother called over his shoulder. "Just when I needed help annihilating Nazi zombies…"

"Al, I have to discuss something with you…upstairs…" Matthew knew Ivan wasn't going to be over until the actual day of Valentine's…but he would much rather discuss these things in private…

"Just a minute, Mattie… I gotta die first…"

"Well hurry…I'll be waiting…" Matthew said, turning to walk up the stairs. He didn't even worry that Alfred might think that Matthew was propositioning him…God knows he sometimes didn't even get what he wanted when told that Matthew wanted to "sleep with him tonight…" _That_ had led to a couple awkward situations…

"_Ooooooh… You wanted to have sex?" _

"_Yes…yes, that's what we meant, Alfie…"_

"_Oh, Milashka…really?"_

"_OH! Why didn't you just say so?"_

It wasn't long before Matthew heard steps coming towards his room. He clutched his purchase in his hands…almost afraid to ask Alfred about this…well, if he didn't like the idea Matthew could always tell him that he was just joking… That always worked with Alfred…

"I'm here bro…what do you want?" Alfred asked, looking at the bag in Matthew's hands.

"Alfie, did you know that Valentine's day is next Monday?" Matthew asked quietly.

"No shit! Really?" From any other person, Matthew would have thought they were being sarcastic. Unfortunately, he was talking to his beloved brother.

"Yes, Alfred, Sweetie…yes…" Matthew sighed.

"Oh cool! I love Valentine's day…" Alfred laughed. "Oh…but now I have to go shop—"

"No you don't…" Matthew mumbled.

"What? Don't you want presents?" Matthew said nothing; he just stuck the bag out towards his brother.

"Here is your early present…from me…" he said quietly, his face turning red as he spoke.

"Cool! Thanks Mattie!" Alfred exclaimed, grabbing the bag and looking inside. "Uh…Mattie…" he said slowly. "What are these?" He held up a tiny thong, decorated with the American flag. "And THIS?" he gasped as he held a cream colored corset up to examine. The red ribbons and stitching were made to match perfectly with the thong.

"Um…I would like it if you wore that…for…Valentine's Day…" Matthew mumbled, cherry red.

"Er…thanks…is that what you want for…your gift…?" Alfred asked, looking distressed at the thought of wearing the outfit (if it could be called that).

"Um…yes…that's what I want…and I also…wanted to…um…surprise Ivan…" Matthew explained, feeling nervous. "I mean, it's our first Valentine's Day together…as in all of us…and I wanted it to be special…I wanted to thank Ivan for bringing us together…"

"I hear you…" Alfred said nodding. "But…I'm kinda scared to wear this thing…" Matthew jumped off his bed at this point, and bent down to grab a box by his feet. It was Ivan's gift to him from last year. For some reason they had yet to use it.

"You won't be alone, Alfie…" he said, still nervous, as he pulled the top of the box. "I'll be wearing this…" He picked up the pink corset and matching thong, grimacing a bit at the amount of bows. Alfred just stared at the ensemble for a moment. His face was blank. "Alfie?" Matthew asked, frightened for the health of his brother. Drool was seriously coming from his mouth.

"I'll do it," he said, lust gleaming in his eyes.

* * *

"Matvey! Milashka! I have arrived!" Ivan called. No answer. "Where are my cute sunflowers?" He frowned…were they not home…they knew what day it was. Ivan had flown over to Canada's house to visit just for the occasion.

Huffing in irritation, he set the roses he had gotten for his blondes on the table, alongside the jug of maple syrup and the big mac he had brought. It was then that he noticed the trail of yellow rose petals that were scattered on the floor. Hastily, he followed the trail, almost sprinting up the stairs when he realized that they led to Matthew's bedroom. He opened the door to see the most wonderful sight…

Both Matthew and Alfred sat on the bed, both in the sexiest outfits he had ever seen… Lingerie…corsets…thongs… It was Ivan's dream come true!

Alfred was turned towards the wall, but Ivan could see a cute hint of a blush on the part of his face he could see…and Matvey…well, Matvey had his arms around his brother, one hand gripping his shoulder, the other lightly groping his ass. He looked at Ivan mischievously.

"Hey there, Sexy…" the blonde cooed with a smirk.

* * *

Um… yeah… Sorry it ends on such a cliffhanger…I've been mulling over some ideas for smut, so there's a very high chance that this will have a follow up chapter! I don't have time at the moment though… Anyway, thanks for reading this little drabble. Happy Valentine's Day!


	3. Valentine's Smut

Author's note: This is a continuation of Chapter 2: Valentine's Surprise. I guess that makes that story line a two-shot… I don't know, I just kind of like the smut to be in separate chapters. Anyway:

Warning: This chapter contains graphic sex! Do not read if it offends! Thank you.

Disclaimer: still don't own anything…

* * *

Alfred was turned towards the wall, but Ivan could see a cute hint of a blush on the part of his face he could see…and Matvey…well, Matvey had his arms around his brother, one hand gripping his shoulder, the other lightly groping his ass. He looked at Ivan mischievously.

"Hey there, Sexy…" Matthew cooed with a smirk. He chuckled darkly, giving his brother's bottom a light tap. Alfred squeaked in surprise.

The sound seemed to travel directly down to Ivan's groin.

"What's the matter, Milashka?" he asked huskily. Alfred turned to towards him slowly, looking up at him with his big, blue eyes.

"N-nothing Master…" he mumbled, looking embarrassed. "I'm just so excited to be your Valentine's Day present…" He narrowed his eyes as he said this, looking up at Ivan from beneath his lids. "Do you like it…?" Alfred purred. Matthew chuckled and nipped his brother playfully on the shoulder.

"I think he does…" he said playfully, pointedly looking down at their lover's crotch. Ivan made no move to hide his arousal. Instead he sauntered quickly over to the bed, looming over his two little blondes.

"Do you want to join us…?" Alfred whispered, licking his lips delicately.

"Nyet…" Ivan murmured, staring at them intensely… "First, I want you to do something for me…"

"Anything for you, babe…" Matthew replied as his brother nodded in agreement.

"Play with your brother for me, Matvey…" Ivan commanded. "Let me watch…please…"

Matthew responded by grabbing his brother's head and forcefully kissing him. Both of their eyes were locked with Ivan's as they simultaneously deepened the kiss, exploring each other's mouths with enthusiasm.

Ivan watched, breathing slowly as he drank in the sight of his two lovers together. He had always loved to watch the two of them interact during their lovemaking sessions…they always seemed to know just how the other would move, without any sort of communication. Their seamless performance, combined with their nearly identical looks made for a truly erotic sight.

"Uh! Mattie…" Alfred groaned loudly. His brother had climbed onto his lap moments before and was now grinding their hips roughly together. Ivan muffled a moan himself, causing Matthew to break the kiss to look at him with a smirk.

"Continue…" Ivan commanded.

"As you wish…" Matthew replied, turning back to his brother, who had started to drag his hands up and down his corseted back, fiddling with the tightly laced ribbon.

"Nyet!" Ivan suddenly said firmly. "Leave those on…" Alfred stopped fumbling with the corset and began to grip his brother's backside instead, pulling him closer. Matthew moaned loudly into Alfred's mouth at the contact. Ah…perfect…They were so…perfect. Matthew moved lower to suck on his brother's neck, inspiring more needy moans from the other.

"Ivan…please…join us…" the American sighed breathlessly, barely able to articulate words.

"Not yet, Milashka…don't be so impatient…" Ivan purred, still content with watching the erotic scene before him.

"…ah, okay…AH!" Alfred gasped as Matthew suddenly bit down harshly on his shoulder.

"Maybe Matvey will help you though…lower maybe?" Ivan suggested.

"…please…?" Alfred whispered. Maybe it was the holiday…or maybe it was the outfit, but whatever was making Alfred act so docile, Ivan was relishing every minute of it. The needy moans and squeaks…accompanied by his soft whispered begging…oh it was just about the best thing Ivan had ever heard…

Ivan watched lustily as Matthew slowly slid himself closer and closer to his brother's groin. Once he arrived, he began to alternately kiss and mouth the tenting thong's fabric. The thin material looked just about ready to rip as it attempted to contain the hard flesh within.

"Ngh…please…Mattie…" Alfred whined desperately.

"Please what?" Matthew purred with a playful glint in his eyes. Alfred simply thrust his hips forward, nudging Matthew with his clothed erection. He groaned as it rubbed against his brother's closed mouth.

"What's that, Alfie? I'm not sure what you want?" Matthew teased. _Yes, that's it Matvey…play with your brother for me…_ Ivan thought, licking his lips at the sight before him.

"Please…Mattie…suck…" Alfred breathed. His face was turning red with lust and need.

"What? Do you want me to suck you cock?" Matthew asked, his voice sultry. "Do you like to watch your little brother suck your cock?"

"…yes…" Alfred moaned thrusting upwards again. Matthew chuckled huskily and slid the thong down just enough to reveal Alfred's throbbing member.

"Oh Maple…aren't you a big boy?" he teased, only to be met with another thrust upwards. Laughing, he brought his mouth closer to the already leaking head, making sure that each word his spoke could be felt by the aching organ. "You're so impatient…" he whispered before taking Alfred's cock in his mouth.

"Ah! Mattie!" Alfred cried, gripping his brother's hair roughly.

Without looking away from the sight in front of him, Ivan circled the bed, heading towards the bedside table. Opening the drawer, he felt around until his hand grasped a familiar bottle. He returned to his previous spot as Matthew slipped lower and lower around Alfred, who was making the most delicious whimpering noises.

"Ngh…so good!" Alfred panted, breathing hard. Matthew responded by humming around the organ in his mouth. "Ah~"

Despite the fact that the scene was one of the most arousing things he had ever seen, Ivan was just about done watching. He slowly unwound his scarf from his neck and began to unbutton his coat, keeping his eyes on his lovers the whole time.

Alfred was in such a dense haze of pleasure that he didn't even notice the new presence that was suddenly looming behind him. That is, until…

"Ah! Ivan!" he called out in surprise as he felt the intrusion of a lubed finger.

"Shh, Milashka…relax…" Ivan purred into his lover's shoulder. Once he felt the tight muscles around his finger loosen slightly, he inserted another and began scissoring gently. "Ah, you are so tight, Amerika…"

"Ha! M-mattie… Ivan…" Alfred groaned. Ivan added a third finger, as he continued to search for…suddenly Alfred let out a loud whine. Ivan smirked and began to tease the spot vigorously as he continued to stretch his lover.

"I think he might be ready…" Matthew chuckled, releasing Alfred's cock with a soft _pop_ as he pulled the fabric of the thong back over his brother's erection. Alfred groaned at the loss of heat, only to be muffled by his brother's lips engaging his in a slow, sensual kiss.

"Hmmm…" Ivan said, voice low and rumbling. "I do not know…Milashka, are you ready to be fucked?" he asked, purposely jabbing at the bundle of nerves within his lover with growing force.

"Oh! Ah…please…" Alfred responded, his response slow and breathless.

"On your knees then…and be sure to return the favor to your brother…" Alfred complied, leaning forward to rest on his hands in front of his brother, who was already lowering his thong eagerly.

Ivan ran his hands over his American's ass slowly, taking in the wonderfully smooth feel. He lifted the thong's thin back gently up with on finger, moving it to side so he could access the hole it barely covered. _Oh that hole…that lovely, tight hole…_ Ivan thought lustily, hands still gliding across the perfect globes beneath him.

"Ivan…hurry the fuck up…" Alfred whined, only to be silenced by Matthew, who clearly didn't like being ignored. Alfred didn't seem to be perturbed by the organ that was suddenly shoved into his face. Instead, he eagerly took it in his mouth. He lingered on the tip, swirling his tongue around the sensitive head.

"Maple…" Matthew mumbled, his eyes tightly closed in pleasure.

Ivan decided that this would be a good time to begin.

Alfred was lurched forward by the sudden balls-deep intrusion. He moaned wantonly, not minding that the push had caused him to slide almost all the way down Matthew's cock.

"Ah!" Matthew cried. "So hot…" He thrust his hips forward into his brother's mouth, thanking the Gods of All the Was Maple-y that Alfred had a non-existent gag reflex. Ivan mirrored his partner's movements, slowly pulling out of Alfred's passage only to thrust back harshly again. Both brothers moaned loudly in response. Alfred, because it seemed as though Ivan had positioned his thrust _just right_ and Matthew because the vibrations of Alfred's throat were just _too much_.

Ivan and Matthew soon established a pattern: Ivan would plunge into one end of their lover, followed by Matthew doing the same. Their thrusts started slow, but quickened in pace, becoming more and more rough as they did. Alfred continued to moan, his noises muffled considerably due to the organ in his mouth. Not that Matthew minded. Each time one of those _delightful_ sounds fought their way out of his brother's vocal cords his cock felt it. Plus Alfred wasn't so out of it in his pleasured state that he couldn't apply the wonderful suction he was so good at.

"That's right take it…you like it don't you?" Matthew growled dominantly. There was something about being in bed with Alfred that made him this way…

"Mmmmm-hmmmm!" Alfred hummed in supposed agreement. Matthew thrust forward harder, grabbing his brother's hair in the process.

"Of course you do."

Ivan smirked as Alfred pushed back against him, no doubt because of Matthew's renewed pounding into his face. Returning his lover's vigor, Ivan increased the speed and intensity of his thrusts, enjoying the increase of moans from both lovers. He leaned over his Milashka and grabbed Matthew's head pulling him into a harsh kiss. Matthew wrapped his arms around his neck, slipping his tongue into the other's mouth. They continued their rhythm, pushing the tempo faster and faster.

Suddenly, Matthew moaned loudly into the kiss, his eyes rolling up slightly. Alfred kept his mouth around Matthew's cock as the Canadian came, swallowing quickly, desperate to get every drop. Alfred was probably close himself. Knowing this, Ivan slammed into him, aiming at just the right spot.

"Ah! Ah! Ivan! Hamburgers! Mattie!" Alfred screamed, dirtying his thong with his seed.

Ivan continued to thrust, loving how Alfred was squeezing down on his cock. _Any second now…_

"Ah~" he breathed loudly as he came inside his lover, riding the high as a feeling of pure pleasure washed over him.

He pulled out and collapsed next to his cute little sunflowers, who had already slumped over from exhaustion. Reaching his arms out, he gathered both of them in his arms. He could feel Alfred breathing quietly on his chest as he quickly found Matthew's hair and began to stroke it absently.

"Uh…Mattie?" Alfred whispered after a few moments.

"Yes, Sweetie?" Matthew mumbled absently.

"The present you gave me… I got it all dirty…"

"That's okay…Alfie, I'll get you a new one."

* * *

Author's fun time: Finally! Sorry this took so long, I always take forever writing smut because it's the most difficult for me to write. It's all for you though! Um, I did look over this for mistakes but my awesome beta is at work right now and I'm impatient to post this. So, sorry if there were some mistakes, I make them often so I don't always catch them all. It doesn't help that I type smut with my eyes closed…I don't know why I do that…weird… Anyway, expect another chapter soon (as in, about 30 minutes lol). I'm just going to edit it and then post it so…see you then!

Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	4. Alfred's Problem

Author's note: hello! Here is the newest one shot! This one has a bit of a story. I sent this to Kenny's Space Cadet to beta. She wanted me to add smut. I said I wasn't planning to. So she decided to write some…but ended up not writing any smut…BUT it did turn into a collab fic! SO! This chapter is written by me and KSC. I wrote the first half while she wrote the second (where it changes to Alfred's POV). I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Did I remember to do this in the last chapter? *too lazy to check* anyway don't own anything…

* * *

"Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your girlfriend!"

Where was his cell phone? Where did he put that freaking thing?

"No way! No way! I think you need a new one!"

Ah! Here it is!

"Hello?" Matthew said, not bothering to look at the caller ID in his rush.

"Mattie!" Alfred's voice whined on the other end. "What took you so long?"

"Jeez, Al…I had just misplaced my phone! What's so important?" Matthew sighed.

"Can you come down here?" his brother cried.

"Right now?" he asked, trying to clarify.

"Yes!"

"No."

"It's important!"

"I told you I'm coming down tomorrow, Al…"

"I need you now!"

"Francis is still visiting me. I can't leave."

"Just ditch him!"

"No! What is so important that you need me to come down there?" Matthew snapped.

"Because…" Alfred…sniffled? "I need help with something…and it's really urgent…"

Matthew wasn't sure what his brother was getting at. It sure sounded like…but Alfred would sometimes seem to allude to something when he really wasn't intending on making an innuendo.

"Why don't you get Ivan to help you out?" Matthew asked. After all, their boyfriend was visiting this weekend due to a business trip…

"He can't! He's in a meeting with the bosses!" Alfred wailed, sounding really upset. What the heck was the problem?

"Why aren't you at this meeting?" Matthew asked. Really Alfred, shirking his duties again?

"…I called in sick…" Alfred mumbled.

"Why? Are you sick?" Matthew asked, worried.

"…no…"

"Then what's the problem?" This was getting frustrating.

"Please just come down here!" Alfred whined. "I'll…I'll explain it when you come down here!"

"No. I am not going to fly down there for no reason!" Matthew growled, walking slowly into his living room. "You're over eight hundred kilometers away right now!" Francis was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on Matthew's obscenely large TV (another "gift" from Alfred that was more for his own benefit than Matthew's), seemingly not listening to Matthew's conversation.

"I don't know what that means!" Alfred cried hopelessly. The metric system is stupid! Now come down here!"

"I said no! And your system makes even less sense! What does 5,280 feet have to do with a mile? And what the heck are feet anyway?" Matthew shot back.

"It does so make sense…it…feet are um…um…something about… never mind! Please come down here…Please?" Alfred begged.

"No. Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"It's embarrassing!"

"So?" Matthew sighed, getting irritated.

"I just really, _really_ need help with er…_something_…" Alfred mumbled.

"Do you know what it sounds like you're asking?" Matthew asked impatiently.

"It sounds like you're being propositioned, Mathieu!" Francis cut in loudly, still scanning for a good show.

"CAN HE HEAR ME?" Alfred screeched.

"Ugh…just be quiet…"

"AM I ON SPEAKER PHONE?"

"No…" Matthew sighed. "That's what Francis always guesses…" Alfred's reaction cemented Matthew's suspicions about Alfred's intent. "Can't you take care of it yourself?"

"No! It's not working! Mattie…"

"Goodbye, Alfred…I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"But…" Matthew simply hung up on him, miffed that his brother thought that he could pushed around every time Alfred wanted sex. Alfred had some nerve calling him for _that _when he _knew _that Francis was over! He stomped into the kitchen and threw his cell phone onto the counter before turning back towards the living room.

"Who was that?" Francis asked as Matthew sat down next to him. Apparently, he didn't glean that information from Matthew's side of the conversation.

"No one important…" Matthew grumbled.

"Oh hon hon! You don't need to refuse a proposition on my account!" Francis chortled. "I am never one to discourage an act of _love_…"

"I'm not a booty call!" Matthew snapped. Francis just chuckled in return.

"Ah! I just remembered… I recorded a program from last night!" he suddenly said, clicking a couple buttons on the remote rapidly.

"What is it? A made-for-TV movie?" Matthew asked. Hopefully it was something he would be interested in…

"Non, it is an American Awards Show." No such luck for Matthew…

"Like the Oscars? I didn't know you were into Alfred's shows…"

"Not usually…but this is an exception…" Francis laughed deviously.

Finally, the show started to play.

"Welcome to the 27th annual AVN Awards!" the announcer's voice boomed.

"AVN?" Matthew asked, confused.

"Adult Video News," Francis clarified, smirking.

"What the…? Is this a porn awards show?" Matthew yelped. Francis laughed at his reaction.

"It sure is, mon cher!" he chortled, before becoming silent as some previews of the nominees were shown on screen. "Ooh…" he cooed. "I bet _tons_ of Alfred's citizens are watching some of these fine movies right now…among other things! This show must bring a boom in lovemaking!"

"What?" Matthew muttered.

"I bet poor little Amérique is feeling _that_ now...oh hon hon!" Francis laughed.

"…feeling it…?" Matthew asked, horrified. Oh, God…did he really just leave Alfred hung out to dry when he was…

"Oh yes! With his people's undoubtedly renewed interest in adult film he must be so…"

"Horny?" Matthew squeaked. What kind of opportunity was he missing out on?

"Oui!" France laughed.

"Um…Francis…I think I'm going to go out for…a while…" Matthew whispered, his face red.

"It is no problem…I already gave you my hearty blessing…" Francis murmured flippantly, still entranced with the show in front of him.

The distinct sound of "Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your girlfriend!" was heard from the kitchen.

"Besides," Francis said with a wink, "I'll be _fine_ here for a while…"

"Oh, okay…see you later then…" Matthew mumbled as he walked towards his phone, acting a little dazed.

"Ooh…but can I invite someone over…Iggie, maybe?" Francis asked with a sly look on his face.

"…yeah sure whatever…" Matthew didn't even know what Francis had asked.

* * *

Ah, finally a break in their meeting… Ivan sighed as he stretched his legs. Suddenly there was a buzzing in his pocket.

"Allo? This is Ivan…" he said as he pressed his phone to his ear.

"Ivan!" Matthew's voice burst out, sounding distressed.

"Matvey? What's wrong?" Ivan asked. Matthew sounded… flustered.

"Nothing! Ah, nothing! I'm just…I'm just arriving… here… in DC… now… yeah… I'm just getting a cab… now…"

"What? Weren't you planning on coming tomorrow?"

"No! I mean yes, yes I was but Alfred…"

"Is something wrong with Alfred? He did call in sick but… Is he okay?" Ivan said loudly, now pretty worried.

"He's fine!" Matthew squeaked. "He's just very…he just needs some help with things…" Ivan could feel the embarrassment oozing out of the receiver.

"Excuse me?"

"There was a big American porn award show last night!" Matthew suddenly yelled.

"Oh…"

"And apparently that's making Alfred…"

"Da, I understand. I will be there soon," Ivan said forcefully. "See you later, Matvey."

As soon as he hung up, his boss walked into the room, looking at him quizzically.

"The meeting is about to start, are you ready?" he asked.

"Nyet…it seems like Amerika has fallen ill… and I must check on him… now," Ivan said, looking quite dangerous. His boss just waved him off and left, already used to Ivan doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

Ivan chuckled darkly as he hailed a cab outside.

Tonight was going to be very, very fun…

* * *

America wanted to shoot someone. More specifically, he wanted to shoot his stupid brother Matthew. "Doesn't he understand how horny I am after last night?" America asked the air rhetorically, stroking himself furiously. He had already come twice from his own hand, but it hadn't done a thing to end his misery. In fact, it had only made it worse, because now all he could do was think about his hand being replaced by Canada, or by Russia, or by both…

"At least Russia has an excuse to not answer my calls!" America said grumpily as he hastily continued masturbating. "He's in a meeting! Mattie, on the other hand (oh man I wish I was on his other hand) is being a jerk! God! What a –jerk!" Alfred said, and with one last quick jerk he came for third time.

He almost cried when his erection didn't subside. "What the fuck!" he yelled. It was red and sore from the treatment he'd been applying to it with his hands, but Alfred had never been very good at getting himself off in the… _other _way. He needed Russia or Canada ("or both…") to come and fill him, because America simply couldn't reach his own prostrate, and it was starting to hurt to masturbate his penis.

America stared at the phone longingly, wishing Mattie had listened to him. _But of course he never listens to me! Thinks he has to get back at me for forgetting about him all the time, when really, I am always fucking thinking about him! God!_

That was when he heard a door slam, and he hurriedly covered himself up in case it was Obama – that would be awkward. "Alfred? Are you here?" said an unwelcome voice.

"M-m-mister President!" Alfred said, pulling a blanket over his tent when Obama walked in the door. "What are you doing here sir?"

"I just came to talk to you about the Planned Parenthood situation," Obama said, coming over the stand next to Alfred's bed. "You know that the House cut their funding, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Alfred said, feigning calm. "Uh… douchebags?"

"I know! We really need to create a battle plan to make sure the Senate doesn't pass the same thing, or else I am going to be in real big trouble during re-election…"

Alfred at this point had tuned his boss out. _Why the fuck is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Maybe this is a punishment for Iraq. We pulled out of there though! Afghanistan? AHHH I AM SO HORNY_

"We're going to fuck you so hard you see stars and stripes!" said a voice from the stairwell, surprising both Alfred and Obama. Alfred instantly recognized the voice as Russia, and he squeaked.

"Yeah, your ass will never be the same again!" Matthew's voice joined. Alfred felt like his world was going in slow motion as his bedroom door flew open, revealing his lovers to Obama and Obama to his lovers.

Matthew and Ivan stopped dead in their tracks. "Uh…" Matthew started. "Hello Mr. President."

"Hi Canada, Russia," Obama greeted, not coming to shake their hands as would be the customary convention. The situation didn't seem to merit it.

"Er, we were just here to uh, see Alfred, er, America," Matthew said awkwardly.

"For diplomatic relations," Russia clarified. "We are practicing our diplomacy tonight. All night."

"I…see," Obama said slowly. "Well. I wish you the best of luck with your, er, diplomacy. I will see the three of you at another time."

"Thank you Mr. President," Matthew said, giving a small bow. Russia smiled innocently.

"Bye Mr. Obama," Alfred whispered, horrified. As soon as they heard the limousine leave the driveway, Matthew and Ivan immediately pounced on their lover.

"What the fuck was that?" Alfred hissed, both in anger and in pleasure at the feeling of their bodies touching his – _finally!_

"It's like we said…" Matthew said as he pulled off America's bomber jacket.

"…We are here for diplomatic relations," Russia finished as he pulled off America's pants.

* * *

Author's note: Yes, America does have a porn awards show, and no, I've never watched it, lol! I just assumed that some channel in Canada played it (we have a Canadian broadcasting channel in the states, but I don't know if there's a similar thing in Canada). If this is an impossible idea, then we'll just assume that Matthew's TV gets every channel from around the world or some awesome stuff like that…lol!

Now for shameless advertising! First, if you like AmRusCan (or whatever you call it idk), go check out Kenny's Space Cadet, because she has a really hot oneshot over there starring those three! Secondly, if you liked this chapter as a collab, we have created a joint account: PrussiaxPrussia, which will have stuff up soon I think. Both have links in my profile.

Sorry about that, but anyway, hope you liked this chapter, thank you for reading and reviewing.


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